We are all a work in progress - ALWAYS. Being in a relationship with someone else, especially being married, shows us where we come up short, and where we need to grow. Marriage is an avenue for growth. Our spouse and our marriage often work as a mirror, reflecting our weaknesses and showing us where we need to grow.
Behavior change in marriage is about becoming the best version of you that you can be. All of the other motives for behavior change - you're doing it because your partner wants you to, or you read it in a book or somebody suggested it or said it would work. They may all seem like good reasons to change your behavior in the moment. But over the long haul, it will result in disappointment, resentment, and feeling manipulated or controlled.
Changing for your spouse won't bring about lasting change in you or the relationship. That's a bandaid approach. It makes your relationship contractual.
And that keeps you from deeply connecting with your partner. You'll end up being resentful because you'll feel as if your spouse is forcing you to change. And your spouse will see that resentment. Believe me, we all have radar for that. And if you're changing for your partner - to get back into the marriage, back into the house, back into the bedroom, - then once that happens, what is your motivation to keep the changes? You have none. And your spouse knows this.
But if you are changing for you, because this is who you want to be, you will keep those changes.
So, what if your focus shifted from changing for your spouse to changing for you because that's who you want to be, regardless of what your spouse ultimately chooses? What pressure would this take off of your partner, off of you, and off of your marriage?
How would this change the way you relate to your spouse? No longer feeling like you're doing this for her or for him, or it's not fair because your partner’s not doing what you want or not trying as hard as you are, or feeling like it's not good enough or you're not getting it right.
And how would that free your spouse up to trust the changes you are making? That's a pretty powerful statement to your spouse to say, this is the man or woman I want to be, regardless of what you choose, this is who I am called to be. That's a really powerful statement.
And husbands, what is it that your wife most wants? Usually, that's an emotional connection and the foundation of a deep connection is trust. So let me tell you, it's hard for a woman to trust changes that came about because she begged, nagged, pushed, whined, or threatened to get them. Getting super solid in your identity, and being empowered in your ability to be a strong, confident leader for your family is the place where you begin.
And what makes anyone - man or woman - desirable? Being at your best. Being someone your partner wants to be around, someone they feel safe with, even during the tough emotions. This is why so much of restoring and healing and growing a marriage doesn't involve couple's work. It involves personal work.
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